Too Much

Sometimes I feel like a jackass when I say too much. Mostly because I hate to burden people with all this stuff that makes me upset. I know what they say about true friends being there to help and not caring but honestly, I feel like inside of them there's something that thinks ill of someone who says too much. I also feel embarassed in the aftermath for saying too much; yesterday I was talking with one of my best friends and told her all kinds of things about my history with abuse and this guy I'm in unrequited love with (it's a long story) and today I feel stupid for saying all those things, like, it's too much information and for sure she thinks I'm insane. And fair enough. I probably am insane. It's insane to want something as much as I do, it's insane to want to tell someone as much as I do, it's insane to hang onto the past so much that you honestly can't see a future without it, even though sometimes things in the past are totally and completely dead.

I've always had a hard time accepting things. I think it's an innate part of my personality to have this inability to accept truths about the way things are until I absolutely HAVE to. But the funny thing is.... I think that maybe this refusal has something to do with habit and not an actual want. Maybe I want things because I've always wanted them since day one, and for whatever reason, I get into the habit of wanting. Want, want, want. That's the word that my life consists of. And I tell people these wants and I shouldn't. I really shouldn't.

Today's going to be weird, I can sense it already. Weird and either happy or sad. It's too soon to tell. But I actually do feel stupid for saying all this personal stuff yesterday. Either because we're taught to not express our feelings that way, or else because it's just too much.